“Particularly Pretty” {Poem}

I’m not particularly pretty
I have more stake in my quick wit
I wear my mind’s heaviness like a winter coat
And my teeth are a bit crooked

I’m addicted to food
Because it lifts my mood
If only temporarily
It tricks my mind to release
Just enough dopamine
To pacify me and satiate me

Now in a body I don’t identify
One I’m unable to claim as mine
Although others will say it’s not bad
Look, my soul knows how I look
But my reflection has me a bit shook
Depression sank its hooks
And my looks
Have begun to fail me

That’s okay, I tell myself
What matters is my sense of self
My quick wit and my sharpened mind
It’s so easy to preach it
I can easily teach it
But to live it
Is a brand new paradigm

I’m not a hypocrite
I have fleeting moments of living it
Where what I preach is what I practice
But there are things I can’t explain
I wouldn’t want to release them from a brain
That’s worked so hard to overcome and
Combat it.

The truth is this
And I’m going to lay it
Out before you with boldness and breath;
Our bodies are a reflection
Of the things we hold within
And if you’re lacking happiness
You’ll see it

The flaps my arms have grown
Represent the times I should have flown
Away from things that hurt me
My thighs are reminiscent of the nights
I smoked too much and cried about
The people who deserted me

My second chin adds weight to a grin
That’s used more for
Indulging in caloric pleasure
When loneliness sets in thick
Adding the weight of clay bricks
Stacked upon my chest and I sink further

Cyclical relationships
I find myself in
Where reciprocity is a fleeting pleasure
The give and the take
Now the stakes have been raised
To heights I cannot bear measure

When doors are closed in our face
And windows open in their place
We climb through with what we have on us
We hold tight to hope
And we throw others spare rope
In hopes that we’re doing what’s best for us

Others are quick to throw out advice
And though they’re only trying to be nice
When unsolicited it does more harm than good
Don’t you think I know that?
Don’t you think I’ve tried that?

If there was another window to climb out of
I would.

Here’s the part where I always feel the need
To pour out my gratitude in words like seeds
To plant so the universe hears the real me
I’m not ungrateful for where or who I am
Quite the opposite, in fact, if you give a damn
I confess to my Goddess every day on my knees.

Optimistic, realistic, and quite a bit idealistic
A healthy balance of mystic and pragmatistic
I aim only to seek out joy in life and kiss it
I just hope I haven’t fallen too far off track and missed it.

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